Saturday, February 6, 2010

My Sister's Delusions

Yesterday my sister was here. I love my sister dearly. I just want to say that from the start. She has no idea what it's been like to walk in my shoes for the last 30 years. No one in my family understood the grief that I was living with, so it's not just her.

Anyway, yesterday she brought up the situation with the Baptist church group that was trying to "help" the 33 children in Haiti. She said "can you believe they were trying to kidnap those children?"

Now this is a step in the right direction. If she sees it this way, there's hope. I'm hoping that the situation will bring alot of attention to the atrocities committed in the name of "helping" children. Otherwise known as adoption. I'm hoping this will open people's eyes and they will start to look at adoption in a different way, not just take for granted that adoption is a wonderful thing.

Back to my sister. She then proceeded to tell me about a book she was reading about pregnant women in prison and what was done to them. How they took their babies from them. She was horrified. I then went on to tell her about the Baby Scoop Era and what was done to young mothers then (pillows over their faces, threats to send them to the psyche ward if they didn't sign, having them sign while heavily sedated, etc.) She listened. But then proceeded to tell me about some woman she works with who has a daughter in law who has had 4 children that she doesn't want and got rid of 3 and is trying to get rid of the 4th. She said she just doesn't WANT them.

The conversation then turned to another woman she works with who's son's girlfriend was pregnant with twins. And her MOTHER, can you believe it? Her own MOTHER talked her into having an abortion. How horrible! (For the record, I do not believe in abortion, I don't condemn those who've had one, but it's not something I believe in)

My sister could not seem to grasp the fact that women are talked into giving their babies up for adoption as well. By their own MOTHERS, among other people. I finally got tired of it and said that it's amazing how people can sympathize with those who've had abortions but not with birth moms.

She quickly went back to the mom with the 4 children that she DIDN'T WANT. And I told her she just proved my point.

I'm sick of it. I'm SO incredibly sick of it. I've been reading alot of comments lately from women looking to adopt, or who have adopted, and they make the statement that "they could NEVER give their babies away" and don't understand how the birth mother can do that.

They greedily grab our babies and then turn around and condemn us. How dare they? They coerce, sweet talk, and promise open adoptions to "their" birth mothers and then turn around and stab them in the back.

Ok, I'm not done with my sister yet. She "forgets" that just a year ago her unmarried daughter (who's in her 20s) told them that she was pregnant. My niece came to ME first. She wanted someone on her side. She didn't want to get an abortion, and just wanted to know that she would have someone to back her up in her decision before she told her parents.

Sure enough, BOTH of her parents tried to talk her into having an abortion. (just like my sister tried to talk me into aborting JJ, 30 yrs ago).

Somehow, my sister conveniently forgets about all of this. I wanted to scream. I didn't say a word. It doesn't do any good, and only upsets my mom when we argue, so I kept silent, like usual.

I DID tell her that if she wants to read some good books about adoption, I can loan her some. Apparently she's not interested as she left empty handed.

My sister cannot handle the truth about my life. She tells me all the time how LUCKY I am to have found JJ and have a relationship with him in the GOOD years of life. How LUCKY I am to not have to have been there for the HARD years. The growing up years. The school years.

She can say that because she has all the memories of raising her daughter. The good memories and the bad ones. She has all the baby pictures, the school pictures, and now the pictures of her granddaughter as well. Not to mention she has an actual part in their lives. She is INCLUDED in their lives! She knows what is happening in their lives. (My son was injured on Monday and I found out about it by accident on Friday).

I've got a hand full of pictures, not enough to make up a whole photo album. A phone call once every 6 months IF I'm lucky, and maybe a comment or two on Facebook every once in a while. Yeah, I feel really lucky.


  1. Don't feel too bad. I understand. You can't fix any of the true believers. She failed to see the obvious and always will. She failed to see that it was not her, but you, that allowed her to be a grandmother.

    I am so sick of the rose colored world of those that have no clue.


    Not too many years ago I was invaded by one of my younger sisters children - she loved drugs more than her kids - not just invaded, but they were dumped on my doorstep. The baby - and I do mean baby - had pneumonia. The older two both had massive ear infections.

    Well, long story short, I wanted to keep them. My sister would never have been able to and I and my spouse loved them and would have been (and were for a short time) great parents. I would have gotten custody - no adoption! - and they would have been part of our/their family. With people that loved them and for the baby, people that were with them their entire lives (the older two were only 2 and 3 when my sister "appeared" from the 20 year old ether into which she had vanished at 16).

    My sister, in a very self-centered act, would not give me temporary custody to keep the welfare workers away. In the end, my father called me (she was back in his house and she had the children moved from my home - so I would not keep them) begging me to help her - she lost them to adoption. All three.

    So, you can't teach them - you can't help them and you can't make them see that they live in a world that is a major lie. If you could, I would be arguing with my niece about trashy clothes and boys and praying that my nephew (the elder) had listened to the lessons about respect and safe sex. And for the youngest, well, helping him with the illnesses that he was born with. And my sister might actually be off drugs and a part of our lives.

    But they don't learn.........what a waste.

  2. Lori, that's so sad. Do you have any idea where the children are? What a spiteful, horrible thing your sister did, to you and to the children.

    I'm sick of the rose colored glasses too, and I'm also tired of the people who hide their heads in the sand because they can't face or take any responsibility for the pain and grief I've suffered over the years, or for what it's done to my son. They simply can't handle it, so I'm left to handle it pretty much on my own, still.

    At least I feel I've learned something from my mistakes, I only wish I could do something to help others to avoid the same mistakes I've made.

  3. Lynn, I don't have a clue. Because of my sisters behavior and the way adoption rules work when the children are foster kids, I am guessing they are lost in the systerm.

    The girl is messed up (used to trade for drugs before she was 7) and the boys, well, who knows. I do know that the youngest has sicle cell and is totally lactose intollerant. But he was very smart - they all were.

    I will think of them forever. They were, for a very short time, my kids.

    But for my sister - she called me crying the night they took them for the last time - and I was so angry. I asked her what she thought it would feel like and told her not to call me ever again. She chose drugs over a real life. Over the three people in the world that will love her forever. That she had watched me cry and crumble over and over again, how could she even think .........then I slammed down the phone.

    Since then she has been in jail several times and is probably back with their daddy in Tennessee doing more drugs. I don't know and I don't care. She harmed them soooo much. I forgive, but I will never forget the look on my nephews face when they took them from our home. He looked at me and said "can't you stop them?" and started to cry. The baby started to wail and the girl was all "good, get me outta here, bitch" and she was 7 years old.

    They don't learn and sometimes, maybe, you are blessed to reach one person.

    Look for that one person.