Wednesday, February 11, 2009


After 5 yrs in reunion my son told me the other day that he pretty much has no more use for me in his life anymore.

I was completely blind sided by this, thinking that we had a pretty good relationship. Maybe not as good as I'd like it to be, but good nonetheless.

I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I've done to cause him to feel this way, and I can't think of anything. I pretty much let him be in the driver's seat in our relationship, not wanting to push myself on him, but just taking my cues from him about how often to call him or visit, etc.

I am in a state of shock, and deeply, deeply hurt by this. I can't understand how he can be so cold hearted about it all. I have noticed that he never seems to have any sympathy towards me about anything, but lots of sympathy towards everyone else.

Oh well. Nothing I say here will change anything.

Is there anyone that has a good reunion?

*sigh* I hate adoption

I don't think he knows how to have a relationship, at least not one in which he's not using the other person for something, and when he's done using them, he dumps them. He has no more use for them. He doesn't really work at relationships. He has a girlfriend, they've been together for years, but she seems to do most, if not all, of the work to keep it going.

I've never stopped grieving the loss of my son to adoption, but it has changed over the years. Sometimes fading, with joy overriding the grief, but now I'm back to grieving for him, only in a different way, no, that's not exactly it, I'm still grieving in all the old ways, but now I've added a different aspect to it.

I can't believe I'm losing him a second time, only this time it's his choice. I've never had a choice to keep him in my life, either time.