Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Time Goes On

I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I haven't posted for a while because I've been sick. Finally today I've had a bit of an appetite and was able to eat a little better, so hopefully I will gain my strength back soon!

In my last post I think I gave the impression that I just sit back and wait for my son to do everything in our relationship, but that's not the way it is. I am the one that usually calls him to see how he's doing, and to just stay in touch. I send him birthday presents and Christmas presents to him and his girlfriend. I've tried to keep in touch with him more by emailing him or sending messages through myspace, but he just doesn't ever respond, so I stopped that.

Someone suggested that he needs me to be a mom. I truly think I have been, and I won't list the things I've done or that I do, because I just don't have the energy tonight to do that. But it all boils down to the fact that he knows I love him, and he knows how much I love him. But I also will not push myself on him. I've seen too many bmoms do that to their son or daughter and they usually end up running from it. It seems like maybe it doesn't matter what you do or say, certain relationships will make it and others just won't. I'm not giving up. I'm just hoping and praying that this is just a bump in the road, and he will change his mind.

At any rate, I'm not sitting around crying or being depressed. Life goes on. I love him and I miss him and wish he would want to spend more time getting to know me, because I certainly want to spend more time getting to know him. But I've handed it over to God, and I'm letting Him be in control of the situation. He knows my son and He knows me. I trust that things will work out for the best somehow and in good time. I pray that whatever His best is, that I will be able to accept it and go on with life.

And for now, I have peace about it all. I am able to have joy filled days because He is good and my hubby is good, and my home is good, and my family is good ... there is much good in my life!

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." (Philippians 4:7)

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." (Psalm 30:5b)

"And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:3)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


After 5 yrs in reunion my son told me the other day that he pretty much has no more use for me in his life anymore.

I was completely blind sided by this, thinking that we had a pretty good relationship. Maybe not as good as I'd like it to be, but good nonetheless.

I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I've done to cause him to feel this way, and I can't think of anything. I pretty much let him be in the driver's seat in our relationship, not wanting to push myself on him, but just taking my cues from him about how often to call him or visit, etc.

I am in a state of shock, and deeply, deeply hurt by this. I can't understand how he can be so cold hearted about it all. I have noticed that he never seems to have any sympathy towards me about anything, but lots of sympathy towards everyone else.

Oh well. Nothing I say here will change anything.

Is there anyone that has a good reunion?

*sigh* I hate adoption

I don't think he knows how to have a relationship, at least not one in which he's not using the other person for something, and when he's done using them, he dumps them. He has no more use for them. He doesn't really work at relationships. He has a girlfriend, they've been together for years, but she seems to do most, if not all, of the work to keep it going.

I've never stopped grieving the loss of my son to adoption, but it has changed over the years. Sometimes fading, with joy overriding the grief, but now I'm back to grieving for him, only in a different way, no, that's not exactly it, I'm still grieving in all the old ways, but now I've added a different aspect to it.

I can't believe I'm losing him a second time, only this time it's his choice. I've never had a choice to keep him in my life, either time.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Our Voices Need to Be Heard!

This week I listened to two Christian radio programs talking about abortion and the emotional pain involved afterwards.

I'm glad Christians are reaching out to women who have had abortions, trying to help them and understand their pain. I know it is done in love. They also want to make it clear that an abortion is not something you have and then just forget about it. Sounds familiar to us bmoms, doesn't it?

In fact there are alot of similarities concerning emotional pain between women who have had abortions and women who have placed their children for adoption.

I realize that the Christian Community for the most part is very focused on stopping abortions and they really don't see that adoption is anything less than the perfect solution to the "abortion problem". (for the record, I don't believe in abortions either, but I don't condemn women who've had them. I feel we are all women in the same predicament making different choices. I know women who've had abortions, who would never consider adoption as an option)

But I believe there is another reason they hold adoption in such high standing.

I believe the voices of bmoms just have not been heard in the Christian community. Especially the voice of the grieving bmom.


I will tell you how I used to feel. I used to sit in church surrounded by happy families and be filled with such shame and feelings of unworthiness. I used to think that my church family would turn their backs on me if they ever found out that I "gave" my baby away. No one made me feel this way, it was just something that I thought.

In my case, this thinking turned out to be wrong. My pastor noticed that I was never at the Mother's Day services over the years, or Father's Day for that matter. He noticed that every May I was not myself for the whole month. He reached out to my husband and myself, wanting to help. We got together with him and his wife and told him about my son and the circumstances surrounding his adoption. They showed us so much love and compassion, and I wondered why I had kept it a secret for so long.

He went home and studied the Scriptures and wrote a Bible study to help me, and came over once a week until he had gone through it with us. He helped me to deal with the guilt and shame and other feelings that I was dealing with. At some point I would love to share that study, bit by bit, here on my blog.

Then I began to talk with my best friend (who is also a Christian). She was someone who had considered adoption and always thought it was a wonderful thing. She thought she was infertile and she and her husband considered adoption as an option in their early years of marriage. She was not infertile, she just hadn't given the Lord enough time. His plan was for them to start having children about 5 years into their marriage, and they've since been blessed with 3 boys of their own.

She was the first person (outside of my family) that I was really able to tell all the details to of the adoption, and of my life afterwards. I must say her heart broke for me and my family and my son. She had NO IDEA the guilt, pain, and grief that is caused by adoption for some bmoms as well as some adoptees.

She's been there by my side for the last almost 5 yrs and has been a big help in keeping me grounded during my reunion with my son.

Yesterday she emailed me asking for help. The church board is meeting to talk about community issues and where they might be able to help in the upcoming year. She wanted me to gather some information for her to take to them and present the down side of adoption. She has such a desire to help unwed mothers to be able to keep their babies and help them after the baby is born, until they can get on their feet.

So, there was my pastor and his wife, and also my best friend helping me and supporting me. But what about the rest of the congregation? What was their reaction? I was very nervous as I began to tell people, but I didn't need to be.

They reacted with love and compassion. I never had anyone treat me any differently than they had before. Instead I gained their prayers and their help in my struggles to deal with my pain and with my reunion.

When my son came for a visit shortly after, he went to church with me. He was received with warmth, as so many people wanted to meet him and welcome him! Boy, I was one proud momma that day!

That was almost 5 years ago.

Do I expect everyone to have the same results as I had? No. But we need to start talking. Start small. Tell one person. They may not even listen to you at first. It took my friend a while to understand. But if we can all just get one person to listen and understand, it can spread out from there. My friend and I are planning to talk to other pastors in our area. We feel we need to start there.

I believe it's time. It's time for the Christian community to hear our voices! They simply do not realize that adoption is not what they think it is. I'm not saying it will change over night. The secular world has not exactly embraced the truth yet either.

We really need the churches to change their focus to keeping babies with their mothers and to focus on helping them with their newborns, whatever it takes, and to stop focusing on adoption as the best and/or only answer. I believe it's possible. It's something I will be praying for.

"And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible." (Mark 10:27)

Monday, January 19, 2009

How I Feel About Adoption

Wow! I can't believe how hard it is for me to write this post! I have been writing and rewriting this for days now. I think I'm trying to say too much in a single post, and it's just not working. So I decided to keep it as short and sweet as possible, and let more of my thoughts about adoption come out over time.

Ok, short and sweet, here it is:

I hate adoption.

I do feel there are rare times when it is necessary for the welfare of the child.

BUT I believe that the majority of the time adoption takes place to fulfill the desire of couples that want a baby, and NOT to meet the needs of a child. If people were TRULY concerned about the child, they would do whatever it takes to keep the baby with its mother where it belongs.

I think that about covers it for now.

Friday, January 16, 2009

A Little Explanation

If you have read my "About Me" on the sidebar, you will see that I state that I'm a Christian and a birthmom. I would like to explain in this post, just what I mean when I say "Christian".

I must define the term Christian as I mean it, as there are many people who call themselves that, but have no clue what it truly means.

I am not a religious person, meaning I do not follow a "religion", I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I believe that I am a sinner in need of a Savior, and that Jesus Christ is that Savior:

"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins." (Matthew 1:21)

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

I believe He died on the cross for my sins:

"... Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures." (I Corinthians 15:3)

"Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree [the cross] ..." (I Peter 2:24)

I believe He rose again the third day:

"And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures." (I Corinthians 15:4)

I believe God's Word, and it says in Romans 10:9 -

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

And in Romans 10:13 -

"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

I also believe the promise found in John 3:36 -

"He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life ..."

And I also believe the promise found in the latter part of this verse:

"... and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him."

Years ago I prayed a prayer something like this:

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. I believe You died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin. I believe You rose from the dead to save me from hell, forgive my sins, and give me eternal life. I am placing my faith in Your death and resurrection to save me today. Thank You for giving me eternal life in Heaven. In Jesus' name, Amen."

And that is what I mean when I say that I am a Christian. I am saved. I have the assurance of Heaven. I try my best to live a Christlike life (although at times I fail miserably).

If you are not a Christian, please don't tune me out because I am one.

Now that I have explained myself on this point, my next post will be about my thoughts on adoption, which may surprise you.

Stay tuned ...