After 5 yrs in reunion my son told me the other day that he pretty much has no more use for me in his life anymore.
I was completely blind sided by this, thinking that we had a pretty good relationship. Maybe not as good as I'd like it to be, but good nonetheless.
I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I've done to cause him to feel this way, and I can't think of anything. I pretty much let him be in the driver's seat in our relationship, not wanting to push myself on him, but just taking my cues from him about how often to call him or visit, etc.
I am in a state of shock, and deeply, deeply hurt by this. I can't understand how he can be so cold hearted about it all. I have noticed that he never seems to have any sympathy towards me about anything, but lots of sympathy towards everyone else.
Oh well. Nothing I say here will change anything.
Is there anyone that has a good reunion?
*sigh* I hate adoption
I don't think he knows how to have a relationship, at least not one in which he's not using the other person for something, and when he's done using them, he dumps them. He has no more use for them. He doesn't really work at relationships. He has a girlfriend, they've been together for years, but she seems to do most, if not all, of the work to keep it going.
I've never stopped grieving the loss of my son to adoption, but it has changed over the years. Sometimes fading, with joy overriding the grief, but now I'm back to grieving for him, only in a different way, no, that's not exactly it, I'm still grieving in all the old ways, but now I've added a different aspect to it.
I can't believe I'm losing him a second time, only this time it's his choice. I've never had a choice to keep him in my life, either time.
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You wrote: "I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I've done to cause him to feel this way, and I can't think of anything. I pretty much let him be in the driver's seat in our relationship, not wanting to push myself on him, but just taking my cues from him about how often to call him or visit, etc."
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about taking the driver's seat for a change. I am not talking about pushing yourself on him. I am talking about showing him that you are interested in him and him being in your life.
When my nmother starts letting me drive all the time, it makes me think she really doesn't care about our relationship enough. It makes me think that she could take the relationship or leave it. I think she thinks "If I am there; I am there. If not, then oh well." If you started a new friendship with someone or even a romantic friendship with someone (past or present) you show interest to them. You take the driver's seat some times. Not just allow them to take the driver's seat. Reunion is the same.
My suggestion is to call him up and start talking to him. Show some initiative. Show that you care about this relationship and that you want to keep it.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI read your post the other day, and I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote and what the other commenter said.
I'm so sorry, you must be dealing with a lot, and I can really relate to what you are going through. One thing I wonder, how old is your son?
You know your son best, so go with that. BUT... I do feel that there is a lot of value to what the other commenter said, and I agree, nobody likes to be in the drivers seat all the time. I can only speak for myself, when I was in reunion with my mother, I did want her to take the initiative, and show me that I wasn't the only one running the show. I wanted her to BE THE MOM.
Another thing, you wrote this about your son:
"I don't think he knows how to have a relationship, at least not one in which he's not using the other person for something, and when he's done using them, he dumps them. He has no more use for them. He doesn't really work at relationships. He has a girlfriend, they've been together for years, but she seems to do most, if not all, of the work to keep it going."
Do you know this is really common behavior for adoptees? I am an adoptee, I have done this with many of my relationships in my life, and I can now tell you WHY I did it (I'm working very very hard at NOT doing this any longer) But it was because, I felt as though, I had no impact on anybody, my mother left me, so therefore, nobody cared, I could do anything to anyone, and they simply would not care. I'm learning now that I DO have impact, and my actions DO affect others and even HURT those I LOVE DEARLY. It has taken me many years to realize this, but I'm understanding it.
Now, I am also a first mother as well as an adoptee myself, and I can see this very same behavior that I see in myself in my son also. Except he has no idea he's doing this. I would suspect your son has no idea he is doing this either.
I don't want to sound like books are the only answer, but the one thing that alerted me to the fact that I do this, was the book, "Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up" By Nancy Verrier. It was a tremendous help to me, in that I now understand why I do this.
My thought is it could help you in understanding your child more.
Hang in there, my advice, stand up, be the mom, deep down, I think he wants it.
I'll be thinking of you.