I did something I never did before. Impulsively, without thinking it through, I deleted a comment. Lori, I apologize. You said something that really stung me, because it wasn't completely true. And I get so tired of being misunderstood. Maybe it's that I don't express myself in words well enough, I don't know.
At any rate, Lori told me that my last post was self-pity of the worst kind. While I won't deny that I was having a hard time yesterday and some self pity was involved, that was not my main intent.
Listing those things is a dose of reality for me, a way of forcing myself to keep moving on with my life. I had gotten caught up in the old routine of doing dumb things like checking facebook 20 times a day to see if JJ had thrown me a crumb or two. And it just doesn't happen. So it's time to face the facts, and keep moving forward. It was more of a pep talk to myself, to stop making him my main focus in life, to stop "living" for crumbs thrown my way from him. And to make it clear to myself that he is not the cause of all this, I am, so as not to blame him. I am the cause of all of this, not him. So the "I don't deserve ..." part is not said out of self-pity, it is said out of truth, to me. It was a reminder to myself.
I go through this every once in a while, making my son my main focus in life. It can't be that way. My life gets out of whack when that happens.
It does feel like things will never change, even though, Lori, you are right, we can never KNOW that for sure. But from how much I do know him, I can say that the percentage is high that I'm right. And I want to change my focus so I'm not having one miserable day after another.
Time to open my eyes up wider to see the rest of my world, my hubby, my family, friends, and everybody and everything else, and make the most of my life.
At any rate, Lori told me that my last post was self-pity of the worst kind. While I won't deny that I was having a hard time yesterday and some self pity was involved, that was not my main intent.
Listing those things is a dose of reality for me, a way of forcing myself to keep moving on with my life. I had gotten caught up in the old routine of doing dumb things like checking facebook 20 times a day to see if JJ had thrown me a crumb or two. And it just doesn't happen. So it's time to face the facts, and keep moving forward. It was more of a pep talk to myself, to stop making him my main focus in life, to stop "living" for crumbs thrown my way from him. And to make it clear to myself that he is not the cause of all this, I am, so as not to blame him. I am the cause of all of this, not him. So the "I don't deserve ..." part is not said out of self-pity, it is said out of truth, to me. It was a reminder to myself.
I go through this every once in a while, making my son my main focus in life. It can't be that way. My life gets out of whack when that happens.
It does feel like things will never change, even though, Lori, you are right, we can never KNOW that for sure. But from how much I do know him, I can say that the percentage is high that I'm right. And I want to change my focus so I'm not having one miserable day after another.
Time to open my eyes up wider to see the rest of my world, my hubby, my family, friends, and everybody and everything else, and make the most of my life.
Lynn, I am truly sorry for my comment. I don't know if you know, but yesterday morning my husband of the last 27 years died here at home with me. He was diagnosed with brain and bone cancer (carcenoma of undetermined origin)on the 4th of January, 2010. The doctors said it would be months and it was incurable.
ReplyDeleteI have gone through what you are going through and learned something that might help you. First boys are never as easy to read as girls - raised or not. They often hide from everyone including themselves.
Second, well, I went through about the same thing with my daughter and one day I just say "bull****, enough" and that was a little over a year ago, actually almost 2 now. She and I are close, because I never gave up, but I was not about to let my child treat me like crap.
I would bet you would find out that he reads your blog and checks your page as often as you do his if you used a good invisible tracker. Often it is just to find out if you are serious or going to leave at the drop of a hat. But, as we all know that is dependent upon the individual.
I am sorry, I was not me and I was feeling very frustrated because I wanted my own nightmare to end and I was also feeling very sorry for myself.
Lori, I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. I'm sure the heartache, pain, and grief you are experiencing is beyond words. I wish I had words to say that would comfort you and help you through this.
ReplyDeleteThat day your pain was much deeper than mine was, and my words must have truly seemed trivial in comparison to what you were and are going through.
Think no more about it, only forgive me for so hastily hitting the delete button. I felt terrible and ashamed of myself the moment I did it.
Sometimes we need a good dose of reality and perspective on life, and your comments and situation you are going through have definitely given me that.
My heart grieves for you, as you have already suffered so much in your lifetime. You are in my prayers dear one.