JJ's Real Mom

Deleted Comment

2010-03-10T10:57:00.001-08:00

I did something I never did before. Impulsively, without thinking it through, I deleted a comment. Lori, I apologize. You said something that really stung me, because it wasn't completely true. And I get so tired of being misunderstood. Maybe it's that I don't express myself in words well enough, I don't know.

At any rate, Lori told me that my last post was self-pity of the worst kind. While I won't deny that I was having a hard time yesterday and some self pity was involved, that was not my main intent.

Listing those things is a dose of reality for me, a way of forcing myself to keep moving on with my life. I had gotten caught up in the old routine of doing dumb things like checking facebook 20 times a day to see if JJ had thrown me a crumb or two. And it just doesn't happen. So it's time to face the facts, and keep moving forward. It was more of a pep talk to myself, to stop making him my main focus in life, to stop "living" for crumbs thrown my way from him. And to make it clear to myself that he is not the cause of all this, I am, so as not to blame him. I am the cause of all of this, not him. So the "I don't deserve ..." part is not said out of self-pity, it is said out of truth, to me. It was a reminder to myself.

I go through this every once in a while, making my son my main focus in life. It can't be that way. My life gets out of whack when that happens.

It does feel like things will never change, even though, Lori, you are right, we can never KNOW that for sure. But from how much I do know him, I can say that the percentage is high that I'm right. And I want to change my focus so I'm not having one miserable day after another.

Time to open my eyes up wider to see the rest of my world, my hubby, my family, friends, and everybody and everything else, and make the most of my life.

Facing the Facts

2010-03-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

It's time to face the facts:

1. My son will never love me or care about me the way I'd like for him to.
2. I know that I don't deserve his love and care.
3. My son will never desire to know me, to know who I really am.
4. My son will never allow me to get to know him the way I'd like to.
5. My son will never allow me to be a real part of his life.
6. I will always be on the outside, peering in through the window of his life.
7. I know I don't deserve more than that.

A Fad

2010-02-08T03:04:00.000-08:00

Fad. I'm not sure that's the right word for it. But I can't think of any other to describe it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about some people's attitude toward adoption.

According to some people, it's just a way to get what you want.

This attitude is SO disturbing to me. It is totally about what the PAPs WANT or NEED. Not about providing a home for a child that truly NEEDS one!

While browsing blogs yesterday, I found this one, and I am sickened by this lady's attitude.

She has a name that she has always LOVED since she's been an adult. A name she has picked out for a girl, and she wants a girl so she can use this name. HUH?

She goes on to tell about how she had 4 brothers growing up and when her mom was expecting baby #5, they wanted it to be a girl SO BAD, but it was JUST another boy. Then her mom had ANOTHER baby, and it was ANOTHER boy and they were all pretty upset. And since then she's looked forward to getting married and having a girl, and that urgency to have one has never left her.

And now she says "I am still determined to have that girl. If I am ever to give birth and all boys pop out, I will adopt that girl. I just want one so bad."

I cannot tell you how badly this disturbs me. This is not the atttitude you should have going in to an adoption. This is the attitude of a spoiled brat wanting what she wants and nobody is going to stop her, not even God. Because if God won't give her a girl, she's just going to go out and buy one for herself, and then tell the world that God blessed her with this little baby girl who was meant to be hers but grew in the wrong tummy. Or some such nonsense as that.

Folks, this is a purely selfish reason to adopt a child. A purely selfish reason to separate a first mom from her baby. And I'm sickened by it.

I wonder if she will be at all interested in reading books like "The Primal Wound"?

This breaks my heart for so many obvious reasons. One that may not be as obvious is the fact that PAPs use God to justify their actions, pretty much turning adoption into a "Christian" act. Yes, it is a Christian thing to do IF the child is truly an orphan or for some other reason truly in NEED of a home and someone to take care of him.

I realize there are babies born into bad situations and they are in need of loving homes, there are exceptions, I'm not that naive, but I think the tide has turned. In reading many blogs lately, the attitude seems to be more like the woman I spoke of above.

There is so much twisting of Scripture that goes on by Adoption Agencies and PAPs, to justify their actions. They take Scripture out of context and that is wrong. It is turning people against God and causing alot of hatred toward Christians. This truly is heart breaking to me. I just wish people would understand that God is not behind all of this. God made families, why would he be behind ripping them apart? Satan, on the other hand, loves to destroy families.

My Sister's Delusions

2010-02-06T09:43:00.001-08:00

Yesterday my sister was here. I love my sister dearly. I just want to say that from the start. She has no idea what it's been like to walk in my shoes for the last 30 years. No one in my family understood the grief that I was living with, so it's not just her.

Anyway, yesterday she brought up the situation with the Baptist church group that was trying to "help" the 33 children in Haiti. She said "can you believe they were trying to kidnap those children?"

Now this is a step in the right direction. If she sees it this way, there's hope. I'm hoping that the situation will bring alot of attention to the atrocities committed in the name of "helping" children. Otherwise known as adoption. I'm hoping this will open people's eyes and they will start to look at adoption in a different way, not just take for granted that adoption is a wonderful thing.

Back to my sister. She then proceeded to tell me about a book she was reading about pregnant women in prison and what was done to them. How they took their babies from them. She was horrified. I then went on to tell her about the Baby Scoop Era and what was done to young mothers then (pillows over their faces, threats to send them to the psyche ward if they didn't sign, having them sign while heavily sedated, etc.) She listened. But then proceeded to tell me about some woman she works with who has a daughter in law who has had 4 children that she doesn't want and got rid of 3 and is trying to get rid of the 4th. She said she just doesn't WANT them.

The conversation then turned to another woman she works with who's son's girlfriend was pregnant with twins. And her MOTHER, can you believe it? Her own MOTHER talked her into having an abortion. How horrible! (For the record, I do not believe in abortion, I don't condemn those who've had one, but it's not something I believe in)

My sister could not seem to grasp the fact that women are talked into giving their babies up for adoption as well. By their own MOTHERS, among other people. I finally got tired of it and said that it's amazing how people can sympathize with those who've had abortions but not with birth moms.

She quickly went back to the mom with the 4 children that she DIDN'T WANT. And I told her she just proved my point.

I'm sick of it. I'm SO incredibly sick of it. I've been reading alot of comments lately from women looking to adopt, or who have adopted, and they make the statement that "they could NEVER give their babies away" and don't understand how the birth mother can do that.

They greedily grab our babies and then turn around and condemn us. How dare they? They coerce, sweet talk, and promise open adoptions to "their" birth mothers and then turn around and stab them in the back.

Ok, I'm not done with my sister yet. She "forgets" that just a year ago her unmarried daughter (who's in her 20s) told them that she was pregnant. My niece came to ME first. She wanted someone on her side. She didn't want to get an abortion, and just wanted to know that she would have someone to back her up in her decision before she told her parents.

Sure enough, BOTH of her parents tried to talk her into having an abortion. (just like my sister tried to talk me into aborting JJ, 30 yrs ago).

Somehow, my sister conveniently forgets about all of this. I wanted to scream. I didn't say a word. It doesn't do any good, and only upsets my mom when we argue, so I kept silent, like usual.

I DID tell her that if she wants to read some good books about adoption, I can loan her some. Apparently she's not interested as she left empty handed.

My sister cannot handle the truth about my life. She tells me all the time how LUCKY I am to have found JJ and have a relationship with him in the GOOD years of life. How LUCKY I am to not have to have been there for the HARD years. The growing up years. The school years.

She can say that because she has all the memories of raising her daughter. The good memories and the bad ones. She has all the baby pictures, the school pictures, and now the pictures of her granddaughter as well. Not to mention she has an actual part in their lives. She is INCLUDED in their lives! She knows what is happening in their lives. (My son was injured on Monday and I found out about it by accident on Friday).

I've got a hand full of pictures, not enough to make up a whole photo album. A phone call once every 6 months IF I'm lucky, and maybe a comment or two on Facebook every once in a while. Yeah, I feel really lucky.

Turn the Dial, Please

2010-01-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

By the end of this week, I was so sick of the radio station that I listen to. I had to keep it off, as I found myself getting too angry to listen.

I listen to a Christian station, and this week, of course they were focused on abortion, or rather, not having an abortion.

I am pro-life, myself, but I'm not one of those fanatical, condemning "Christians" that will scream at you outside of an abortion clinic. I don't believe that accomplishes anything besides turning people against Christianity.

On the contrary, I have much compassion and sympathy for women who have had abortions. Especially those who are having emotional problems in dealing with it. I have found over the years that many of the symptoms and emotional difficulties are similar to those of us who suffer with dealing with adoption loss.

The reason I was upset is because I find it disturbing that many in the Christian community who are able to embrace and show compassion to women who have had abortions are the same ones who will turn their backs on us. They don't want to hear the voices of the unhappy birth moms and adoptees.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm glad they are compassionate towards the women who are suffering from Post Abortion syndrome. That's as it should be. They should do all they can to show love to them, and help them.

All I ask for is an equal voice. Equal compassion. Equal help. Equal understanding of our pain.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

I want Dr. Dobson to interview a birth mother. I want to hear compassion in his voice towards her as she describes her loss and how her life has been without her child. I don't want to hear him tell her that she made the right choice.

AND Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I think she's wonderful, but I'd also like her to take the time to talk to a birth mom too. To show her some love and compassion and understanding.

I want their attitudes towards adoption to CHANGE. I want for them to stop seeing it as God's will. That's offensive to me. Unfortunately it's something largely used by adoption agencies all across our country.

I want them and others like them to acknowledge our pain. I want them to start to see the adoption industry for what it REALLY is. I want them to open their eyes and have them understand that not all adoptions are necessary, that what is really needed is for Christians to come along side of young women, WHILE THEY ARE PREGNANT and in NEED. To take them under their wing, to help them to find the help they need, so they are able to parent their own child. To focus on family preservation.

Isn't that what a church community is supposed to do? Reach out to someone in need?

I don't want them to tell adoptees to be grateful they are alive and well, and weren't aborted. I want them to listen to them as they describe their pain and what they've gone through their whole lives. How life is different for them, and acknowledge that it IS different.

I don't want them to turn it into an abortion issue. Because it's NOT.

I just want them to LISTEN. That would be a good start.

Update

2010-01-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have not posted here for a while. I started a new job and was busy learning it, it's something I really enjoy, but had to throw myself into it to be successful. I've reached a point where I can start to breathe again, and take time for other areas of my life once again.

So, to catch up with my situation with JJ. After he told me that he doesn't need me or really want to hear from me again unless I have something important to say, or unless there is an emergency, I did what he wanted me to do, and after a 3 hr conversation, pretty much went silent in his life.

The silence didn't last long. On HIS part, not mine. He started calling me more often than he ever has. Was he sorry for the things he had said? Did he not feel the same way anymore? I have no idea. I just talk to him when he calls and love him. For now that's all I can do. It went months before I was comfortable calling him again, but I have called him, and he thanks me whenever I call him.

We seem to have better conversations than we used to, I think I'm more relaxed because, hey, the worst thing in my mind that could happen, has already happened. He told me he didn't need me or want me, so what do I have to lose anymore? So I try my best to just be myself, if he likes me for who I am, that's wonderful, if he doesn't? Well, that will be heartbreaking, but I can't be someone that I'm not, just because he wants me to be.

One of the major problems is our religious beliefs. He is as strong in his beliefs as I am in mine. The problem is that we believe very differently. We have had many discussions, not arguments, about the differences, and I know he respects those discussions, and even enjoys them. He has never run across a Christian before that showed genuine love to him in spite of his beliefs, one that did not talk down to him, or put him down.

That is, until me. I don't think he quite knows what to do with me. I will not reject my Lord and Savior for anyone, and JJ knows this. And he respects this. I know for a fact that if I said, "ok, I think you're right, and I'm going to reject all my beliefs and follow what you believe from now on, and we will have all things in common, and won't that be great?" I KNOW for a fact, that he would lose all respect for me and would not be happy about this.

And then there is his adoptive mom. She claims to be a Christian and has taken sheer pleasure in showing me her "superior" knowledge of the Bible. (She is a college graduate, I'm not) She likes to spout off her knowledge of things like Jewish traditions, customs, etc, and even claims to have a favorite Jewish holiday. She has a lot of head knowledge of the Bible, but she doesn't have heart knowledge. I do not believe she has a relationship with Jesus Christ. I say this because you cannot be on both sides of the fence at the same time, like she tries to be.

JJ has this misconception of what love is. He believes that she loves him much more than I possibly ever can, and I don't think it's because she was there for him all these years, but more because she backs him up in his beliefs. Even while she is claiming to be a Christian. He believes that because she goes along with everything he says and does, and especially since she was the one to support him and buy him his first occult books to study at around the age of 12, that she has so much love for him. Whereas, on the other hand, I don't support him in this, so I can't possibly really love him. I risk my relationship with him because of all of it. A mother is not supposed to give a child something that will harm him, just because he wants it. I think it's all very confusing to him. She acts almost like a groupie of his, instead of his mom.

Some day he will understand the depth of my love for him, he just can't see it right now.

For now all I can do for him is pray for him, be there for him, and love him. No matter what. And I do.

Time Goes On

2009-03-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I haven't posted for a while because I've been sick. Finally today I've had a bit of an appetite and was able to eat a little better, so hopefully I will gain my strength back soon!

In my last post I think I gave the impression that I just sit back and wait for my son to do everything in our relationship, but that's not the way it is. I am the one that usually calls him to see how he's doing, and to just stay in touch. I send him birthday presents and Christmas presents to him and his girlfriend. I've tried to keep in touch with him more by emailing him or sending messages through myspace, but he just doesn't ever respond, so I stopped that.

Someone suggested that he needs me to be a mom. I truly think I have been, and I won't list the things I've done or that I do, because I just don't have the energy tonight to do that. But it all boils down to the fact that he knows I love him, and he knows how much I love him. But I also will not push myself on him. I've seen too many bmoms do that to their son or daughter and they usually end up running from it. It seems like maybe it doesn't matter what you do or say, certain relationships will make it and others just won't. I'm not giving up. I'm just hoping and praying that this is just a bump in the road, and he will change his mind.

At any rate, I'm not sitting around crying or being depressed. Life goes on. I love him and I miss him and wish he would want to spend more time getting to know me, because I certainly want to spend more time getting to know him. But I've handed it over to God, and I'm letting Him be in control of the situation. He knows my son and He knows me. I trust that things will work out for the best somehow and in good time. I pray that whatever His best is, that I will be able to accept it and go on with life.

And for now, I have peace about it all. I am able to have joy filled days because He is good and my hubby is good, and my home is good, and my family is good ... there is much good in my life!

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." (Philippians 4:7)

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." (Psalm 30:5b)

"And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:3)

Blindsided

2009-02-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

After 5 yrs in reunion my son told me the other day that he pretty much has no more use for me in his life anymore.

I was completely blind sided by this, thinking that we had a pretty good relationship. Maybe not as good as I'd like it to be, but good nonetheless.

I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I've done to cause him to feel this way, and I can't think of anything. I pretty much let him be in the driver's seat in our relationship, not wanting to push myself on him, but just taking my cues from him about how often to call him or visit, etc.

I am in a state of shock, and deeply, deeply hurt by this. I can't understand how he can be so cold hearted about it all. I have noticed that he never seems to have any sympathy towards me about anything, but lots of sympathy towards everyone else.

Oh well. Nothing I say here will change anything.

Is there anyone that has a good reunion?

*sigh* I hate adoption

I don't think he knows how to have a relationship, at least not one in which he's not using the other person for something, and when he's done using them, he dumps them. He has no more use for them. He doesn't really work at relationships. He has a girlfriend, they've been together for years, but she seems to do most, if not all, of the work to keep it going.

I've never stopped grieving the loss of my son to adoption, but it has changed over the years. Sometimes fading, with joy overriding the grief, but now I'm back to grieving for him, only in a different way, no, that's not exactly it, I'm still grieving in all the old ways, but now I've added a different aspect to it.

I can't believe I'm losing him a second time, only this time it's his choice. I've never had a choice to keep him in my life, either time.

Our Voices Need to Be Heard!

2009-01-20T19:29:00.000-08:00

This week I listened to two Christian radio programs talking about abortion and the emotional pain involved afterwards.

I'm glad Christians are reaching out to women who have had abortions, trying to help them and understand their pain. I know it is done in love. They also want to make it clear that an abortion is not something you have and then just forget about it. Sounds familiar to us bmoms, doesn't it?

In fact there are alot of similarities concerning emotional pain between women who have had abortions and women who have placed their children for adoption.

I realize that the Christian Community for the most part is very focused on stopping abortions and they really don't see that adoption is anything less than the perfect solution to the "abortion problem". (for the record, I don't believe in abortions either, but I don't condemn women who've had them. I feel we are all women in the same predicament making different choices. I know women who've had abortions, who would never consider adoption as an option)

But I believe there is another reason they hold adoption in such high standing.

I believe the voices of bmoms just have not been heard in the Christian community. Especially the voice of the grieving bmom.

Why?

I will tell you how I used to feel. I used to sit in church surrounded by happy families and be filled with such shame and feelings of unworthiness. I used to think that my church family would turn their backs on me if they ever found out that I "gave" my baby away. No one made me feel this way, it was just something that I thought.

In my case, this thinking turned out to be wrong. My pastor noticed that I was never at the Mother's Day services over the years, or Father's Day for that matter. He noticed that every May I was not myself for the whole month. He reached out to my husband and myself, wanting to help. We got together with him and his wife and told him about my son and the circumstances surrounding his adoption. They showed us so much love and compassion, and I wondered why I had kept it a secret for so long.

He went home and studied the Scriptures and wrote a Bible study to help me, and came over once a week until he had gone through it with us. He helped me to deal with the guilt and shame and other feelings that I was dealing with. At some point I would love to share that study, bit by bit, here on my blog.

Then I began to talk with my best friend (who is also a Christian). She was someone who had considered adoption and always thought it was a wonderful thing. She thought she was infertile and she and her husband considered adoption as an option in their early years of marriage. She was not infertile, she just hadn't given the Lord enough time. His plan was for them to start having children about 5 years into their marriage, and they've since been blessed with 3 boys of their own.

She was the first person (outside of my family) that I was really able to tell all the details to of the adoption, and of my life afterwards. I must say her heart broke for me and my family and my son. She had NO IDEA the guilt, pain, and grief that is caused by adoption for some bmoms as well as some adoptees.

She's been there by my side for the last almost 5 yrs and has been a big help in keeping me grounded during my reunion with my son.

Yesterday she emailed me asking for help. The church board is meeting to talk about community issues and where they might be able to help in the upcoming year. She wanted me to gather some information for her to take to them and present the down side of adoption. She has such a desire to help unwed mothers to be able to keep their babies and help them after the baby is born, until they can get on their feet.

So, there was my pastor and his wife, and also my best friend helping me and supporting me. But what about the rest of the congregation? What was their reaction? I was very nervous as I began to tell people, but I didn't need to be.

They reacted with love and compassion. I never had anyone treat me any differently than they had before. Instead I gained their prayers and their help in my struggles to deal with my pain and with my reunion.

When my son came for a visit shortly after, he went to church with me. He was received with warmth, as so many people wanted to meet him and welcome him! Boy, I was one proud momma that day!

That was almost 5 years ago.

Do I expect everyone to have the same results as I had? No. But we need to start talking. Start small. Tell one person. They may not even listen to you at first. It took my friend a while to understand. But if we can all just get one person to listen and understand, it can spread out from there. My friend and I are planning to talk to other pastors in our area. We feel we need to start there.

I believe it's time. It's time for the Christian community to hear our voices! They simply do not realize that adoption is not what they think it is. I'm not saying it will change over night. The secular world has not exactly embraced the truth yet either.

We really need the churches to change their focus to keeping babies with their mothers and to focus on helping them with their newborns, whatever it takes, and to stop focusing on adoption as the best and/or only answer. I believe it's possible. It's something I will be praying for.

"And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible." (Mark 10:27)

How I Feel About Adoption

2009-01-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe how hard it is for me to write this post! I have been writing and rewriting this for days now. I think I'm trying to say too much in a single post, and it's just not working. So I decided to keep it as short and sweet as possible, and let more of my thoughts about adoption come out over time.

Ok, short and sweet, here it is:

I hate adoption.

I do feel there are rare times when it is necessary for the welfare of the child.

BUT I believe that the majority of the time adoption takes place to fulfill the desire of couples that want a baby, and NOT to meet the needs of a child. If people were TRULY concerned about the child, they would do whatever it takes to keep the baby with its mother where it belongs.

I think that about covers it for now.

A Little Explanation

2009-01-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

If you have read my "About Me" on the sidebar, you will see that I state that I'm a Christian and a birthmom. I would like to explain in this post, just what I mean when I say "Christian".

I must define the term Christian as I mean it, as there are many people who call themselves that, but have no clue what it truly means.

I am not a religious person, meaning I do not follow a "religion", I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I believe that I am a sinner in need of a Savior, and that Jesus Christ is that Savior:

"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins." (Matthew 1:21)

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

I believe He died on the cross for my sins:

"... Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures." (I Corinthians 15:3)

"Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree [the cross] ..." (I Peter 2:24)

I believe He rose again the third day:

"And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures." (I Corinthians 15:4)

I believe God's Word, and it says in Romans 10:9 -

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."

And in Romans 10:13 -

"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

I also believe the promise found in John 3:36 -

"He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life ..."

And I also believe the promise found in the latter part of this verse:

"... and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him."

Years ago I prayed a prayer something like this:

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. I believe You died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin. I believe You rose from the dead to save me from hell, forgive my sins, and give me eternal life. I am placing my faith in Your death and resurrection to save me today. Thank You for giving me eternal life in Heaven. In Jesus' name, Amen."

And that is what I mean when I say that I am a Christian. I am saved. I have the assurance of Heaven. I try my best to live a Christlike life (although at times I fail miserably).

If you are not a Christian, please don't tune me out because I am one.

Now that I have explained myself on this point, my next post will be about my thoughts on adoption, which may surprise you.

Stay tuned ...